 |
| Me and my best friend, My mom, Peggy |
I would like to share with you my love story, a journey of discovering the ineffable love of our Divine Father. I have been extremely blessed by God throughout my life, in good times and in bad, every moment can be seen as a blessing. It has been amazing to me how God has crafted my faults that have been founded on pride into something beautiful and precious in His eyes. It is He who brings good out of evil through His infinite mercy and love, and through this awareness He has captured my heart. The awe of Christ lies in His extreme Love, through which He creates, redeems, and sanctifies each individual person in a unique way. He loves each one of us with an exclusive love and has a specific plan for each; God tells the prophet in regards to all, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you” (Jer. 1:5). God knows our strengths and our weaknesses and out of love created and continually calls us to an irreproachable love united fully to Him. He is the object of desire and love and moves the world in hopes that we choose Him. By the grace of God, I have chosen to be His and have allowed myself to be true love for others for the sake and glory of Him. My Lord has found me, as lost as I was, and thus my life belongs to Him, for our God deserves “nothing less than everything”.
 |
| My wonderful parents, Brad and Peggy |
I grew up on a small farm, in a peaceful Illinois town outside of Chicago. I am the fifth child out of six who was blessed with, what I would consider, the perfect childhood which consisted of running free: building hay forts, climbing trees, bottle feeding baby calves, shooting bb guns etc. My father was a humble man and a hard working construction worker who always provided for us even though at times it was a struggle. He was a Lutheran, but every Sunday he never failed to be with us at mass and by the grace of God he soon converted to the Catholic faith. My mother, on the other hand, was a traditional Catholic whose mission, like all good Catholic mothers, was to make saints out of her children. She established a firm Catholic foundation within our home, by that, we said the family rosary, fulfilled our Sunday obligation, and listened at times unwillingly to her “preach” about God. Growing up she made sure that we went to Catholic schools even if it meant driving many miles each way to get there. Her sacrifice and great devotion in making sure we necessarily knew the main purpose in life was to “know, love, and serve God,” had a huge impact on my life and thus I never stopped seeking His mercy or endless love, especially when I needed it the most.
I believe that one’s childhood plays a significant role in how they see and live life. Being raised in a hardworking, middle-class family, I had responsibilities at a young age. Allowance didn’t exist in our family; you had to earn your keep. I went from doing farm chores at age eight, to washing dishes at the local restaurant at age twelve. Being faced with responsibilities and the benefits that came along with them, I quickly developed a very independent nature which was both a blessing and a curse. My independence was a blessing because I never expected anything to be handed to me and thus worked hard to get what I needed. Yet, it was a curse, because I believed that my life was in my hands and no one could stop me from doing what I wanted to do. For the most part, I was always a good and honest daughter who never really had to be disciplined; my parents knew who, what, when, and where, when it came to my freedom, and I kept my word. For that reason, the word “no” was seldom heard, and therefore obedience is a virtue that I lack. I think the most discipline in my life consisted of standing in line for recess during elementary school, and even then I had one foot in the line and one foot out, which unfortunately, is how I began to live my faith.
At age eighteen I started to search for my place in life. This period, in most everyone’s life, is a time in which they are placed at a crossroad, where they ask themselves, “Who am I?” and “What am I supposed to do with my life?” There is a great danger, if one is not strong in their faith, to become lost in a world of false pleasures and lies; this is exactly what happened to me. I knew God, but my faith wasn’t strong enough for me to trust Him completely and so I decided to make my own way, down a road that led me further away from His guiding hands. I was blinded by the world and didn’t recognize the infinite love that God had for me and so I sought to be loved by others instead, who obviously couldn’t give me what my heart truly longed for. Saint John of the Cross reminds us that our, “flesh is weak and that no worldly thing can comfort or strengthen your spirit, for what is born of the world is world and what is born of the flesh is flesh. The good spirit is born only of the Spirit of God, who communicates Himself neither through the world nor through the flesh.” My goal was to find affirmation, to feel as though I was important, needed, and loved, yet this affirmation I was looking for lies only in and through the love of God and in His Spirit alone. We all desire ineffable love but are easily persuaded to believe that it exists in the world, outside of God’s good grace, which leads us astray.
The false love I was introduced to tore me from the peace of God’s good grace. I no longer was the joyful and fun-loving girl everyone once knew and instead of finding myself, I became lost in the depths of sin. I was a slave to sins of the flesh and thus I was closed off from any light or consolation. I constantly lived in fear: fear of death, fear of loneliness, fear of hell. My teacher once told me, “You’re not ready to live, if you’re not ready to die”; this quote was often replaying in my mind as I sat in solitude, suffering with the pains of spiritual death. I could no longer live in darkness and so, I sought after God, continually running to confession so that I could receive Our Lord in the most Blessed Sacrament. I was always defeated in my weakness though, and after every fall I would turn to my God, pleading for His mercy; my prayer was relentlessly, “Please, Dear God, don’t give up on me. Don’t leave me.” Although Our Lord never leaves our side I found no reason why He should stay alongside His daughter who rejected His Divine love and goodness. Though I felt this way, I never once stopped seeking the Lord, for I knew that life meant nothing without Him; there was no purpose to live if not to live for God.
Throughout those years in my life where I sought happiness in merely creatures and worldly things, I tried to run from the difficult situations I found myself in; I became a nanny and lived in different parts of the United States. From Connecticut to Tennessee, I tried to run from the hands of the enemy, yet, I always ended up back in his arms. I wanted so badly to be good and I didn’t understand my weakness; I was confused and frustrated. Even though I continually fell, I repeatedly sought God’s mercy and because of my persistence, God never stopped searching for me. It reminds me of the Parable of the Lost Sheep when Jesus says to the Pharisees, “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?(15:4) God, my Good Sheppard, sought after me and through many beautiful souls, He made Himself known in my presence.
God spoke very clearly to me after countless prayers in which I desired His saving hands. While visiting my ex-boyfriend, I encountered an older gentleman whom I will never forget. I was sitting in the corner of an empty, run-down biker bar, a few days before Christmas, and this man walked through the front door and said something to me that struck my soul. I remember how peaceful and joyful he looked, the smile on his face showed that he was full of happiness, something that I had greatly missed. This man came up to me as I sat alone and asked me a simple yet complex question, “Why are you here?” As I was explaining to him that I was visiting my boyfriend for the holidays he quickly stopped me and said, “I look in your eyes and see that you are love, you are love and you do not belong here.” As I sat there, shocked from hearing those words from a stranger, I clearly knew that God was trying to get my attention. It was as if my Heavenly Father was directly speaking to me and letting me know that I was His, I was love, and thus, I belonged to Him. That was the first of many instances that out of God’s Infinite Mercy and love, He made Himself known to me and through all of my many falls, continued to pick me up.
 |
Some of the most important women in my life!
Diane, mom, me, Julie, Linda Sue, MaryEllen |
Oh how wonderful is God’s Mercy! He has placed so many beautiful souls in my life to help guide me into His gentle arms, the arms of my loving Sheppard. I was ready to give my life to God since I obviously wasn’t very good at living it alone. I was still a struggling soul who lacked the sweetness of God yet desired it so much. Often times I would get discouraged with all of my failings and the wretchedness of my soul, I would want to give up hope but I knew that was not an option. Saint John helps us to persevere when he tells us that, “We shall reassure our hearts before Him whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything.” (1 John 3:19) God has a plan and it is to draw all of His children into His saving Love and so we must open our hearts and trust in Him for He knows the outcome of our lives.
My conversion process many times felt like a never ending battle; I was overly independent, disobedient, selfish, and weak and for these reasons I found myself in the confessional pleading over and over again for His Divine Mercy and forgiveness. Often times I would lose hope, I felt as though I would never be free from my vices because I was too weak to change. I would have to remind myself that nothing is impossible for the Lord. God’s mercy is endless, and so through tears of distress and frustration I constantly returned to Him, and never stopped asking for His forgiveness. Through the minister of God, the Lord forgave my offenses and although perhaps he was disappointed with my actions, he was pleased that I returned to His love and thus, he gently spoke to me with words of encouragement, perseverance, and love. Saint Teresa’s words are true when she speaks of the struggling soul desperate for a break through; she believes, “If that soul perseveres in spite of sins, temptations, and relapses, brought about in a thousand ways by Satan, Our Lord will bring it at last-I am certain- to the harbor of salvation.” As humbling as it was, I never stopped seeking the Lord’s forgiveness and so, He provided His saving grace.
God wants us to fall in love with Him; He speaks to Saint Faustina and tenderly asks her, “When will your heart beat for me?” I knew the Lord loved me, and so I desired to love Him with the same compassion and love but I didn’t see how it was possible; my faith was too little. Because all things are possible with God, He showed me that I, in fact, did share in that love. I had asked a friend of mine, who was a former nun, how it was that a person could truly fall in love with Jesus Christ. I told her, “I have faith and believe that Christ is present in the Eucharist, but how does one firmly believe, without a doubt, that He is truly present, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity, and fall in love? She simply said to me, “Don’t worry, He will show you.” The very next day at mass, during the consecration of the Eucharist, my heart began to beat unsteadily. As I was standing in the communion line the beating of my heart began to increase, with each step closer to the Blessed Sacrament, faster and harder it would pound. By the time I reached the front of the line, while listening intently to the words of Father saying, “Body of Christ” while placing Our Savior upon the Faithfull’s lips, the pounding of my heart would increase. Finally, reaching Jesus Christ at the foot of the altar, I fell to my knees to graciously receive Him and as I knelt my body began to tremble and tears began to stream down my face. Out of God’s glorious love He showed me that He was truly there humbly giving Himself to me. In that intimate moment when Christ enters our bodies there is beyond doubt a giving and receiving of love. I understood, and never will I doubt His presence again, for in that moment I felt the gentle embrace of the Holy Spirit and my heart truly began to beat for the Lord.
 |
| The Sisters of The Home of the Mother |
Over Christmas break I was blessed to be invited to go to Spain to spend Christmas with the Home of the Mother. I received so many wonderful graces by which my eyes were given the light to see how fragile I was without Him; I was nothing. We are to love God with a sacrificial love just as He loves us, with a complete surrender of self. My eyes were opened to see my unfaithfulness and pride, therefore the love I gave existed merely in this world, it was a selfish love and would remain that way until I would learn to love truly with the love of Christ. In Spain I began to understand how I would develop that love, and it is by surrendering oneself to the will of God, for, as Father Rafael once said, “it is through penance and obedience that one forgets themselves and begins to grow in the love of Christ”. I had to breakdown the wall of vanities and worldliness that I had set up in my pride and lose myself so that I could find myself. Christ tells those who seek Him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” (Jn.12:24-25) I despised the lies of the world that I had once believed in and because of them I allowed myself to be objectified and to become a slave to sin. Saint John reminds us in his Gospel, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.” (Jn. 2:15-17) In order to love as Christ loves, you must reject the false pleasures of the world and surrender your hearts to the will of God, that you may truly be one with Him and thus, gain eternal life.
The Lord tells us, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” (Luke 11:9-10) The Lord is so kind and good and because of His goodness will never deny fruits to anyone, especially those who faithfully seek Him. The Lord opened my eyes to see that I was a creature who was nothing without Him and so I sought Him, I sought His will, His face, and His presence. During mass in the Sister’s chapel in Spain, I was seeking God with much passion and effort, asking Him to open my heart that I may see Him with the eyes of faith, and I so I pleaded with God asking Him over and over, “Where are You?” In that moment my heart began to pound like the previous experience I once had, yet this time He responded to my plea. As my heart began to pound the Lord clearly and firmly answered, “I am in you.” With these Words said, my body began to tremble and the tears of the Holy Spirit gently caressed my face. And thus, I firmly believe, and can truly say, “It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.” We are one with Christ through the graces that are poured into our hearts as precious gifts from the Holy Spirit therefore, we must ask the Lord to help us open our hearts to His love, that He may elevate our souls with His presence.
 |
| Me and Sr. Gemma |
The Lord is present in each one of us, in the book of Wisdom we read, “Your immortal Spirit is in all things.” My God, I believe, I adore, and I love You. God has blessed me with the grace to feel His presence, although I am most thankful for this gift, I believe that He has blessed me with it because I was too weak to become holy otherwise. “Blessed are those who believe but have not seen.” As children of Christ, baptized into His Body, we are called to holiness which is made possible through the means of the Church and her Sacraments. How blessed we are to have the gift of Christ at our fingertips, to embrace His Being, and be filled with His divinity and love. Our goal is to reach our perfection, complete union with God. After I had received the sensual embracement of the Lord Who reminded me of His resting place within my soul, I sat in silence after mass and felt drawn to open the bible and read. I opened up to the Gospel of John and read, “You are clean already, by means of the word that I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I in you. As a branch cannot bear fruit all by itself, unless it remains part of the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me.” (15:4) We are called to be imitators of Christ and to remain in His love, we do this through frequent use of the Sacraments, following God’s commands, and surrendering our lives to the will of the Father in sacrificial love. It is written in the Gospel of John, “Whoever keeps His word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him.” (1 Jn. 2:4) We must rid ourselves of the attachments we have to the things of this world in order to surrender ourselves fully to Christ. By offering certain sacrifices to the Lord we turn our selfishness into a self-giving love which draws us deeper into His love and heals the wounds of sin. I have been blessed with so much and it is often said, “To whom much is given, much is expected.” I owe God every breath of my being and every beat of my heart, for I belong to Him. I open my heart therefore, to His divine will and pray that it may be fulfilled.
 |
| Blanca and her two granddaughters |
Over Spring break, while studying at Ave Maria University, I felt called to go to Nicaragua on a mission trip and it was there that God spoke His will for me. The first day that we arrived in Nicaragua we went door to door evangelizing through the poorest of poor community. As my small group and I walked up a dirt pathway to one of the homes, an elderly woman greeted us with arms wide open saying, “The missionaries! You are here! God told me that you were coming and I’ve been waiting for you.” With her fragile arms she embraced each one of us and welcomed us into her home which consisted of dirt floors, rags that replaced wooden doors, and a single broken down couch. We sat, and in awe, listened to her speak of her sufferings while her eyes filled with tears. She had recently lost her son who had fallen from a mango tree and crushed his spine. He was the most recent death in her family out of the previous thirteen that she herself had to bury over the past three years. While mourning over her loss she praised Jesus, blessing His Goodness and Love. In her native tongue, she exclaimed, “Praise God for the graces He has given me in order to have the strength to get through!” Her faith was unfathomable.
Through her suffering and pain, she praised God. As I sat, not knowing her language yet listening intently and understanding with my heart, I was enraptured by her faith. Through her sufferings that she united to Christ, she was filled with the Holy Spirit and immersed in His love. I was greatly moved by her passion and trust in the Lord and so I quickly grabbed a hold of her fragile, dirt covered hands and held them in mine; I told her, “How Good God is, look how beautiful and strong you are!” She stopped talking, looked into my eyes and the power behind her stare was immeasurable. She stood up and told our translator that she felt a presence of holiness around me and that God wanted her to pray over me. With one hand she took hold of mine and with the other, she placed on my head and began to pray aloud. The presence of the Holy Spirit was strongly felt in that room as we all sat in silence while she prayed over me, asking the Lord to fill me with grace, so to strengthen me that I may have the courage to continue to do what I was doing. Before we left she gave us three bags of fruit that she would have sold otherwise to make her living. She trusts so much in God and so her generosity was enormous. We give in our excess; she gave in her poverty which is so much more profound and noble. The love of the poor increased my faith and set my heart further on fire for the Lord.
 |
| At the orphanage |
Later that night, I found myself in the chapel of the Ave Maria campus Church kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament. There were a few students singing songs to our Lord but soon departed. As I knelt there praising God for His mercy and all of the gifts I had received that day, I looked up and noticed the statue of Saint Anthony in the corner, to whom I was recently praying a novena to, asking to know what God’s will was for me. I asked him to pray for me. In that moment I had the urge to open up the song book and sing a song to Jesus. I flipped open the book and began to sing the first song that I saw. In that blessed moment I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and sang from the depths of my soul the words of “Here I am Lord”. The words of the song hit me hard and I clearly knew what it was that God was asking of me. The profound lyrics echoed out:
“I the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry
All who dwell in dark and sin, my hand will save.
I who made the stars of night I will make their darkness bright
Who will bear my light to them, whom shall I send?
I the Lord of snow and rain, I have borne my people’s pain
I have wept for love of them, they turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone give them hearts for love alone
I will speak my word to them. Whom shall I send?
I the Lord of wind and flame I will tend the poor and lame
I will set a feast for them, my hand will save.
Finest bread I will provide till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them. Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.”
The Lord opened my eyes to know His divine will. I pray for the courage and grace to respond to His call. I will serve His people and above all, I will hold them in my heart. We are all called to this mission in life, to be Christ bearers and thus to love all with His love which resides in the depths of our souls. In order to do this we must humble ourselves and become slaves of love.
Through all my faults and struggles in life I have seen how God has humbled His lowly servant. It is by becoming little, humbling our sinful pride, that we are raised by the glory of Christ for it is written in the Bible, “The beginning of pride is man’s stubbornness in withdrawing his heart from his maker; for pride is the reservoir of sin, a source which runs over with vice. The roots of the proud God plucks up, to plant the humble in their place. He breaks down their stem to the level of the ground, then digs their roots from the earth.” (Sirach 10:7-16) Through my continual falls into the depths of sin God has humbled my soul. I have been given the grace to see that I am nothing without Him and therefore can do nothing without Him. He had to break my pride in order to reside in my heart. Through the grace of the Holy Spirit, He transforms hearts into His. He tells us, “The greatest among you must be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Mt. 23:10-12)
I now see clearly that you are my Love and the source of all greatness; You are all I need for I see how glorious your love for me is and how without you, I am worthless. You, oh Lord, have saved me; Your mercy endures forever! I give my life to you, all that I have I consecrate to you through the Virgin Mary. I am your servant, a slave to your love, for it is through obedience and humility you tell us “though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool.” (Isaiah 1:10) I am willing and I shall obey; make me pure so that I may serve you with greater dignity and strength. What am I without your saving love? Who am I if not your instrument? My life only has meaning when ordered in your goodness. I too believe, just as Saint Teresa, “that my soul obtained great strength from His Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my cry, and had compassion upon so many tears.” For You have found me, as lost as I was, and have, yet again, given me life! I now live in peace and in happiness; enraptured by Your love thus, I humble myself and worship You in Spirit and in Truth. You once told me, “I created you for so much more than this,” and I now see, that it is to live completely in Your love and give it to all others. No longer am I to be a slave to sin and false pleasures, but a slave to Your love. Never let me leave Your gentle embrace, Sweet Jesus, and I shall forever be your beloved.
